Boys Behaving Badly
by Magdalync
Summary: Lester/Xander spin-off of My Big Fat Bat Wedding. Babe-ish. Vignettes featuring the two Rangeman employees voted least likely to succeed. Rating for language and God knows what else they'll get up to.
1. You Bloody Complete Me

**A/N: **This is the long awaited Lester/Xander series for those of you who indicated you wanted to see more of the boys. This series takes place after My Big Fat Bat Wedding. It will feature our less than dynamic duo, but Ranger and Steph will make appearances here and there. This chapter was written in response to Adalind's challenge: You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off. Takes place when the boys return from their forced exile after the infamous Jolly Joe incident.

Big shout out to the ladies of the Pit who encourage this sort of nonsense.

Huge thanks as always to my wonderful beta, Alfonsina.d, AKA the Queen of Tart!!

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**You Bloody Complete Me**

Lester and Xander sat quietly in the guest chairs in front of Ranger's desk. Ranger had ordered the men to the 0900 meeting via text message the night before. Both men had only been back from their 'deportment' to Boston and Atlanta, respectively, for less than 48 hours.

Lester was leaning back in his chair staring resolutely at the framed artwork displayed on the wall behind Ranger's desk. The knee bouncing like a jackhammer belied his relaxed pose.

Xander, on the other hand was picking up and examining articles on Ranger's desk with the curiosity of a child. The current object of Xander's fascination was a pricey digital picture frame. Every five seconds or so, the current image would give way to new one.

"Xander, put that shit down before the Boss shows up."

Xander was holding the frame in his lap and staring at the images with a soft smile on his face. "Dude, I'll totally hear him before he comes in. And everybody knows he doesn't have video surveillance in his office."

Lester shook his head and went to grab for the frame.

Xander tugged back. "Just hold on a second, the naked one comes up next!"

"Naked one?"

Xander propped the frame on the edge of the desk between them just as the previous image faded away. They both sat in awe as a black and white image of Stephanie appeared. It looked as though Ranger had taken the shot of her after thoroughly…satisfying her. Her hair was extremely tousled, her eyes had little focus and her grin was both saucy and soft. She _was_ nude, but she was laying on the bed belly down, up on her elbows, and the white sheet was artistically pooled and draped in a way that made it tasteful. The pronounced curve of her bottom was clearly visible, but only in profile.

Xander let out a small whimper when the picture disappeared.

With a huff, Lester picked up the frame and wiped off the smudges and drool from the frame and the screen with the edge of his tee shirt. He placed it back on Ranger's desk where it had originally been, adjusting its positions twice before leaning back in his chair. He leveled a glare at Xander.

"Have you learned nothing from your punishment?" Lester asked.

"Dude, did you see her ass? I knew she had some junk in the trunk, but Christ! There's no dimpling, no cellulite. It's like a big juicy peach just begging me to sink my teeth-"

"You're an idiot."

"Your momma's an idiot,"

"What the fuck is _your_ problem? We're probably in the principal's office because of some shit _you_ pulled. We've only been back on duty one day!"

"Some shit _I_ pulled? Who thought is was a good idea to demolish nearly the entire wall of the warehouse? You left a crater! You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off! Crikey!"

Lester looked at Xander as if he'd grown breasts. "Bloody? Crikey?"

Xander waved him off and turned slightly away from Lester. "What? I spent six friggin' weeks on the monitors in Atlanta with this Brit. Pretty cool bloke. Maybe some of his vernacular rubbed off on me."

"Vernacular?"

Xander let out a 'humph'. "What? I was on house arrest. I read a lot."

"You found the word 'vernacular' in Penthouse Forum?"

"I'm not even going to dignify that with a response."

Just then, they heard the office door snick open. Ranger silently made his way across the room, around his desk and sat down.

"Gentleman."

"Sir."

"Sir."

Ranger nodded and leaned back in his chair, studying his men. "Santos. A little heavy on the explosives yesterday, don't you think?"

Xander snorted. Ranger leveled a glare at him. Xander squirmed and said, "Pardon, sir."

Lester cleared his throat and said, "I apologize for that. I may have been a bit…overzealous."

One side of Ranger's mouth kicked up a fraction. "In the future, might I suggest you use more prudence?"

"Yes, sir."

Ranger nodded once, indicating the close of the subject. Both men let out an audible sigh.

Ranger leaned forward in his chair, elbows bent on the arm rests, fingers steepled under his chin. "I may regret doing this, but I'm going to allow the two of you to partner again…on a probationary basis. Overall, I am satisfied with your work yesterday. You utilized the intelligence provided by Stephanie and acted on the information decisively. While you may have been…overzealous with your methods of entry into the warehouse, the 'goods' you confiscated were…let's just say Homeland Security is very pleased. Be assured you would be getting a commendation if Homeland Security acknowledged your existence."

Both men nodded solemnly. Ranger praise was a very rare commodity.

Ranger turned to his hard drive and booted it up. When he turned back toward the men, he seemed surprised they were still sitting there. "Dismissed," he said blandly.

Both men stood up and made their way quickly to the door. Just as Xander placed his hand on the knob, Ranger said, "Yo."

Lester and Xander turned back to Ranger to find he had a devious smile on his lips. "I got an interesting phone call a few weeks ago regarding the two of you."

Both men's eyebrows shot up to their hairlines. Lester found his tongue first and said, "And?"

"Jeanne Ellen Burrows called me. She was concerned that perhaps the two of you had been relocated to a third world country."

Xander's face broke out in an all out smile. "Bossman…are you saying she's interested in laying pipe with me and my man Lester?"

Lester visibly cringed. "Dude."

Ranger cleared his throat. "Jeanne Ellen would never come right out and indicate anything of that nature through a third party. However, if I'm reading between the lines correctly, I would say that she may have a certain level of interest in the two of you." He shook his head as he focused back on his monitor. "There's no accounting for taste."

Lester looked at his shoes for a moment. "But…didn't you and Jeanne Ellen have a 'thing' at one time?"

Ranger gave Lester his blankest face. "What Jeanne Ellen and I did or did not have is both irrelevant and none of your concern. I'm with Stephanie now. You could bang my senior prom date and I couldn't give a shit less."

"How 'bout your ex-wife?" Xander piped in.

Ranger picked up a heavy glass paperweight and tossed it up casually, caught it, tossed it up, caught it, all the while glaring at Xander.

Lester slapped Xander upside the head. "Dude, she's married."

Xander said, "And?"

Ranger gripped the paperweight more tightly.

Lester hissed, "That's Ranger's baby mama!"

Ranger seethed, "Did I just hear you call Rachel my baby mama?"

Lester squeaked out, "Yes, sir."

"I don't 'do' baby mama, Santos."

Xander interjected, "Clearly you did."

Lester brought both hands to his face and whined, "Help me, Jesus." He dropped his hands and said, "Back to the point. You have no problem with us hooking up with Jeanne Ellen? Or anyone else?"

"You have my blessing. Your life, your dick."

Lester had a look of awe on his face, as though he had been granted immortality, or at the very least, access to the most prime booty in the northern hemisphere.

"Dude…that…that…"

Ranger frowned. "Lester. There are not _that_ many women on my resume."

Lester shook his head in wonderment. "It's not the quantity. It's the _quality_. A whole new world has opened up for me." Lester looked solemnly into Ranger's eyes and said, "You…complete me."

"Get the fuck out of here."

Xander scurried around Lester and out the door. Lester slowly shook his head and started to follow Xander. He looked back at Ranger one more time and said breathily, "You had me at 'Yo'." His voice began to crack as he repeated, "You had me at-"

Xander's arm reached in and jerked Lester's body out the door just as a glass paperweight flew across the room and cracked against the doorframe.


	2. My Frenemy

**Disclaimer: **I hereby retroactively disclaim chapter one. Oopsies. The only character I own is the charming Xander and sadly, he's not even in this chapter. The rest of the characters belong to Janet Evanovich. And I'm still not making any money…

Thanks as always to Alf, my loyal beta.

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**My Frenemy**

The one frickin' time I have to go to the doctor for a 'guy problem', and I get this porn star looking PA? Is there no God? Maybe she's just going to check my vitals.

I extended my arm so that she could slide on the nonexistent blood pressure cuff. She simply arched her brow at me. Damn she was hot.

She cleared her throat and looked back at the chart. "Mr. Santos. It says here that you are being seen today for a possible STD?"

Oh, come on! There is no way she'll ever consider hooking up with me now. Even if the tests come back clean, the fact that I thought there was a possibility that I had crotch rot would surely relegate me to the top of her sexual 'don't' list.

I slouched in my paper gown and looked at the floor. "Yeah, uh…you know. Maybe it's just jock itch. You know, I work out a lot…" I peered up without lifting my head. You know, that George Clooney thing. Chicks usually dig it.

She gracefully lowered herself onto her wheeled stool, crossed her gorgeous gams and started flipping through my chart.

"Sexually active?"

I snorted. "Well, I don't exactly just lay there."

She gave me a blank look. Which, I might add was very hot. She had this glasses/hair in a bun librarian thing going on and she looked like she needed a good hard fu-

"Number of sexual partners?"

"This week?"

She said nothing, just set about scribbling notes in my chart. Damn her hands looked soft. I could just see them wrapped around my-

"When was your last HIV test?"

Boy, she was a killjoy. "I have one every six months. My partner talked me into taking them seriously. He gets tested twice a year so I thought it made sense for me too."

She continued scribbling notes and her succulent lips pursed slightly at my answer. "So are you and your partner monogamous and do both of you wear condoms when you have sexual relations with each other?"

What? Ah, fuck. "I'm _so_ not gay. He's like…my partner, as in, we work together. I mean, we play together too…shit. I mean, you know, we might date the same girl at the same time. And by date, I mean…we both use condoms…uh, mostly. But we don't use them on each other because there's no guy touching…unless something slips…shit. I'm not gay."

More scribbling. This can't be good. "So what are your symptoms?"

I looked down at the floor again. It was frickin' cold in the room and between the temperature and her 'I'm not judging you, but I really am' attitude, I was experiencing major shrinkage. Surely she was going to have to take a gander at my dick. You know, a guy doesn't really want to have a hard-on in a doctor's office, but he doesn't exactly want to be on display when his little fella is playing turtle either.

I tried to adjust myself nonchalantly in order to get a little blood flow action going and said, "A slight burning sensation when I pi-uh, urinate. And I feel like I have to go a lot…only when I go, not much comes out." Why couldn't I have the old fart geriatric doctor with eyebrows that look like fun fur?

She said nothing, just turned around and washed her hands for an ungodly amount of time. After thoroughly drying her hands, she pulled on latex gloves with a sharp snap that both frightened and aroused me on. She stepped in front of the exam table and asked me to lie down. She pressed here and there on my abdomen and I made sure to contract my abs so she could appreciate the definition.

She dropped her hands and sighed. "Mr. Santos, you're 'guarding'."

"Do what?"

"You're 'guarding'. It's a protective reflex that indicates pain when pressure is applied on any of the four sections of the abdomen. Is my examination causing pain? Or are you flexing?"

"Uh…well, I am a little tender now that you mention it."

She shook her head and turned to pull the rolling tray closer to the exam table. As she prepared some slides, she asked, "Did you leave a urine sample before you came back to the exam room?"

I swallowed hard as she turned toward me with a grossly long cotton swab and singular intent in her eye. "Yes ma'am," I whispered.

She then proceeded to insert the tip of-Ohmyfuckinggodthat'sinhumangivingbirthcan'tbethispainfulI'mnevergoingtofuckagain!

What's she doing down there sharpening a pencil?!…Oh God…oh Jesus…I want my mommy…

After she finished violating my person, she snapped my gown back down and set about fixing the slides.

Once done, she peeled off her gloves and began her lecture peering at me from the top of her very hot horn rimmed glasses. I might have appreciated them if she hadn't just roto rootered my dick. "Most likely you have a urinary tract infection at the very least. They are not as common among men because of the length of the urinary tract-"

I waggled my brows at her…perhaps I didn't have as much shrinkage as I thought!

"Mr. Santos, even a man with a two inch penis would have 'more urinary tract' than a woman. Two inches more urinary tract to be exact."

Oh, come on, that ain't no two inches! "Go on."

"As I said, if you have a urinary tract infection, we'll know for sure in a few minutes when your urinalysis is complete. I've done a few smears to test for other STD's including a test for yeast. You _can_ contract a yeast infection from a partner that has a yeast infection and experience no symptoms. You need to use a condom every time. Conversely, using condoms with Nonoxynol 9 does cause yeast infections in some men who have a sensitivity to the spermicide. There is also a strain of yeast that can result from penile contact with e coli. That's a risk you run with unprotected anal sex . If you participate in anal sex…"

I just pretty much blocked the rest of it out. My pee-pee hole was throbbing, and in my mind she was saying, "You are a dirty, filthy man and your penis will likely fall off in a week to ten days. I'm taking an ad out in the paper and you'll never get laid in this town again."

She stood and took her attitude and my dick shavings with her. Good riddance. I slid off the table, ripped off my paper gown and shoved it in the biohazard container. I looked down at my dick.

"What am I going to do with you? I thought we were friends. Well this is the last time I listen to you. You need to think about getting a new hobby. Do you have any hobbies?"

I grabbed my dick like a puppet, waggled it around and in a falsetto voice said, "I collect mold, spores and bacteria!"

The door clicked open mid waggle and a nurse stepped in with a handful of prescriptions. She froze in the doorway eyeing me warily while I had a conversation with my shlong. She squeaked and ducked back out, slamming the door behind her.

Perfect. Just absofuckinlutely perfect.


	3. Couplehood

**Disclaimer:** The only character I own is Xander. The rest belong to JE. I make no money from these fine examples of literature *snort* but your wonderful reviews sure leave me warm and fuzzy!

**A/N: **Written in response to Katbaby's Double Dog Dare…Katbaby has an evil streak! Thanks as always to the amazing Alfonsina.d; beta extraordinaire, professional Tart and all around good friend.

Jerseygirlinoxford: 'Holy crap through a straw' is for you!

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Couplehood

Leaning against the wall, I scanned my surroundings. I've long since gotten used to strobe lights and fog effects and they didn't impair my ability to visualize my prey in the least. I've been on night missions in the jungles of Columbia, for Christ sakes. Reconnaissance in a nightclub is a piece of cake.

Xander approached and handed me a fresh beer before taking a swig of his own. "See anything promising?"

I shrugged. I did and I didn't. There were plenty of beautiful, scantily clad honeys on the floor tonight, bumping and grinding to the industrial house music, but no one who stood out as special. I'm not exactly here looking for a bride, but month after month of mindless debauchery with bleached blondes with breasts that didn't jiggle was starting to lose its appeal. And I'm getting a little tired of having sex with Xander.

Okay, that didn't come out right. I'm getting tired of threesomes with Xander. Don't get me wrong; I think ménage is a beautiful thing. But week after week, even the most depraved sex acts can become routine. You'll just have to trust me on this.

In addition to the monotony, I'm more than a little disturbed at how intimately I've come to know Xander. No guy should know first hand what his buddy's 'o' face looks like. I shouldn't really know, down to the minute, how long Xander can last, or be privy to the fact that he likes to have the backs of his knees licked. And his verbal repertoire? Jesus. Does he kiss his mother with that mouth?

I took a long swig of my beer and said, "Don't you think this is getting kind of old?"

Xander frowned down at his own beer, turned it this way and that and appeared to be reading the bottle. His lips were moving.

He held up his bottle to my face and with his huge finger, pointed at a part of the label. "Say's here the 'born on date is-"

I knocked the bottle out of my face and some of the beer foamed and sloshed onto Xander's hand. "Not the beer, you idiot, this whole scene."

Xander looked around the club, grinning when he saw a tiny redhead grinding her ass into the pelvis of the voluptuous brunette. He turned his head back to me and his stupid ass dimple appeared in his cheek as he smiled. "Nope."

I waved my hand in the general direction of the dance floor and said, "It's all yours."

He looked like he was contemplating jumping up and down and clapping his hands like a little girl. "I get to pick our chick for tonight?"

I shook my head. "You get to pick _your_ chick for tonight. I think I'm gonna take off."

I handed my beer to Xander and started to walk away, ignoring his hangdog expression. That's when I saw her. Day-um.

She was five foot nothing if you didn't account for her heels. Tiny. A spinner. But she had a body like a brick shit house. She was a perfectly proportioned hourglass. And speaking of spinning, when she twirled toward the bar, I got an eyeful of the most luscious ass I've ever seen. It nearly brought tears to my eyes. Her skin was between a bronze and a cocoa and her silky black hair just brushed the top of her ass and curled up at the ends. Her shiny gold dress was _very_ abbreviated and appeared to be in the design of two handkerchiefs sewn together. Which was convenient since I'm pretty sure if I got that dress off of her, I'd be weeping tears of joy and thanks to my Lord and Maker.

As if she sensed my scrutiny, she slowly turned around from her position at the bar and locked eyes with me. Even from twenty feet away, I could see her eyes were the most amazing shade of green. Her nose was slightly tilted up at the end and her lips were so full, they bordered on pornographic. Shit, little Lester has begun his launch sequence.

She started to walk my way in the loose-limbed, hip-swinging gate that women get when they're on the prowl. I couldn't see myself putting up much of a fight. Unless she wanted one. Perhaps I should lay down right here and make things easier for her.

I heard Xander whistle then whisper, "Come to daddy, sweet thang."

"Fuck off. She's mine."

Xander snorted. "We'll see."

She sauntered up and stopped a few inches in front of us. Her emerald eyes slowly coasted down and then back up my body, pausing briefly in the groin area. She smirked at me in the way a woman does when she knows something you don't. Hot damn.

Then she did the same exact thing to Xander, only she paused a little longer at his midsection. What was up with that? I'm nicely equipped!

I looked over at Xander and saw that he had hiked up his shirt so that she could see his navel piercing and one nipple piercing. What a fucking poser.

She smiled back at me and said, "Ready to go?"

That's what I'm sayin'. I stepped away from the wall, curved my arm around her waist and started to walk her briskly toward the nearest exit. Little Lester led the way. Not that he's little. I need to come up with a better name for him. Perhaps he and I will discuss it in the morning.

See, I just knew a woman of this caliber could sense that I was all the man she needed. Xander may have that tall, dark and cagey thing goin' on, but clearly my pores exude my raw animal magnetism. I've always believed if I could just bottle my pheromones-

She dug in her heels and we skidded to a halt. Looking back over her shoulder, she hollered to Xander, "Come on baby. We don't have all night!"

God hates me.

oOoOoOoOo

I leaned over in my fridge in no hurry to grab the bottle of water I came for. I needed the cool air to bring my body temperature down a couple of notches. Miss Thang was finally unconscious in my bedroom, and Xander kept climbing back into the bed even though I'd shoved him out three times and told him it was 'couch time'. I do have some boundaries. No threesomes in the shower. I don't shower with other men who have erections. And my bed only sleeps two. I had to implement this rule a month ago when I woke up with Xander's hand on my ass, squeezing it in his sleep.

Feeling a little cooler, I reached in the fridge to grab my water and heard the unmistakable sound of a gun's safety being disengaged. I froze.

Okay. I live in a Rangeman apartment and security was about two notches above that of Fort Knox. My intruder was also silent. That meant it was either Ranger or-

"Where is she?" Tank's deep voice sounded more ominous and deadly than I'd ever heard it.

I slowly stood upright only stopping when I felt the gun's cold muzzle at the back of my head. This was _so_ not good.

My back still to him, I said, "Uh…who?"

"My fuckin' sister, you ass wipe!" he bellowed.

Okay. There must be some huge misunderstanding here because I know Tank's sister. She's like fourteen, built like a beach ball, and not only wears braces but also 'head gear'.

I slowly raised my hands up in a gesture of surrender, then just as slowly turned to face a very homicidal looking large black man. Holy crap through a straw. I've never been of the receiving end of Tank's intimidation mojo. Impressive.

"Dude. Put the gun down. Chloe isn't here."

Keeping his gun aimed at the center of my forehead, he said, "That's not the intelligence I received. From what I hear, she was seen leaving Dante's at 1247 hours and climbing into your vehicle."

"Dude. It wasn't Chloe. This chick is like half her size. And I gotta say, I don't remember Chloe being double jointed. This chick is like a contortionist."

Tanks left eye twitched and if I didn't know better, I would say that I saw steam come out of his nose. I was waiting for him to dig his hoof into the kitchen floor in preparation for my goring. I hope he didn't notice my red dishtowels.

"What kinda time warp you livin' in? The last time you saw her was six years ago, you dumb shit."

I ticked through my mental calendar. It took me a while. I'm a busy man. Huh. I guess it had been that long. But he couldn't be more wrong. I'd know Chloe. And I'd never bang a buddy's sister. That's against The Rules. I racked my brain to come up with something, anything to prove I was innocent and to diffuse Tank's anger.

I was just about to point out that our little sex priestess couldn't be his sister because Chloe had brown eyes just like Tank, and our little sex kitten's sultry eyes were green. That was when it dawned on me that nobody had eyes _that_ green. They had to be contacts. Then I realized that if you subtracted seventy pounds, straightened the teeth…Oh shit. Fuck. I needed to get Tank out of here. It was one thing if he thought that I alone had slept with his sister. Quite another if he found out-

One moment I was standing naked in my kitchen being held at gunpoint by three hundred pounds of sputtering volcano. The next minute I was on the floor, head exploding, nauseated, and with the distinct impression that I had been cold cocked with the butt of a gun.

I felt something soft but scratchy land in little Lester's domain. I cracked an eye open and once I was accustomed to the overhead light stabbing into my brain, I realized someone had thrown an afghan to cover my groin. I rose up on one elbow, clutching my head and saw Ranger leaning against the kitchen doorframe.

In a low voice, he said, "Tank's a little worried about his sister. Know anything about that?"

Not sure if Tank was still in the apartment, I said, "No," but nodded my head 'yes'.

I saw Ranger's jaw tense and then his eyes shifted slightly to the hall. He pushed off the doorframe and stood over me with his arms crossed. "How 'bout I get you up to speed. Tank came here under the impression that you had his sister here for nefarious activities."

I said nothing. I know when to shut up. Mostly.

Ranger went on, "After Tank accidentally bumped you with his gun, he went to investigate your bedroom. He found a person of interest in your bed. Naked."

I nodded and said, "Hmmm." Stephanie would be so proud of me.

Ranger narrowed his eyes. "Are you sticking to your story?"

What story? I haven't said a word!

Ranger leaned down and hauled me up by one arm and frog marched me down the hall. Then he shoved me through the bedroom doorway, but his aim must have been a bit off because I sort of ran into the doorframe. My bad. We all know Ranger's a gentle man.

We both stood silently and stared down at the bed. Xander, in all his glory, was lying in the center of the bed, spread eagle. Little Xander was looking a little worse for wear as he was still wearing his turquoise custom raincoat. He's still a big fan of the Jolly Joe.

I walked into the room, found my jeans on the floor and stepped into them. I glanced around to see where the hell Chloe had gone but the room was empty of all evidence that she had been here.

Well, at least I get to live another day. Chloe must have heard Tank bellowing from the kitchen and somehow got the hell out of Dodge. I may have to pay off whoever was on monitors tonight, but all in all, life is good.

Again, Ranger said, "Are you still sticking to your story?"

Well, duh.

Ranger looked at me in speculation. "Did you change your stance on guy touching?"


	4. You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman

**Disclaimer:** I only own Xander. All other characters belong to JE. I don't make any money from this endeavor, although after reading this, you may want to pay me to _stop_ writing.

**A/N: **Please forgive me for this one. This is a long chapter…and you may not thank me for it! It was done under the influence of peer pressure. This was written in response to a challenge from Melody (Harmne). Melody is evil and shouldn't be allowed near a laptop. Rosaleen68 pre-read it and inquired as to how exactly this…thing could happen to Lester. I asked her to write the prologue and tell us. (I can be evil too!) Lastly, I'd like to thank Alf, my fabulous beta…who knows way too many dirty Spanish phrases!

**Warnings:** Language, smuttiness, language, idiocy, language, generally tackiness…and language. Also, I suppose I should warn you that this is _completely_ unrealistic…whereas all of my other comedy writing is just _mostly_ unrealistic.

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**You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman**

_Prologue by Rosaleen68_

Monitor duty was getting old, fast. Two solid weeks of it; anyone would think Tank had a grudge against us for some reason.

"I am so bored," I muttered as I watched a loop of empty corridors and locked doors.

"Mmm-hmm." Xander didn't take his eyes off his own set of monitors.

"Monitor duty sucks."

"Yep."

"Has Ella done the sandwich run yet? I'm hungry."

Xander shrugged, eyes fixed on the screen.

"Are you even listening to me?"

Xander kicked a sports bag under the desk over to me without looking up. "Chips. Help yourself."

I've known Xander a long time. Possibly too long. Nothing got in the way of Xander and chips. And he still hadn't taken his eyes off the monitors. "Let me get this straight. You're handing over your stash of chips?"

"Sure."

Something was up. But chips are chips, and the sandwiches weren't in yet. I reached into the sports bag and started rummaging.

My hand closed over something cold and heavy at the bottom of the bag. "What's this?" I pulled out a small stone statue of a faceless woman with pendulous titties hanging over a fat belly and a huge bootie sticking out behind. Not Xander's normal idea of a hot date. "Are you still carrying this thing around?"

Xander turned and looked at me for the first time. "It's my good luck charm."

"Good luck charm my ass. You just bought it to get lucky with the chick selling it."

"Hell yeah. And it worked. I told you, good luck charm."

"So have you had good luck since?"

Xander furrowed his brow, thinking. "There was that blonde chick last week."

How could I forget? "The one that gave us both the clap."

"The cheerleader we picked up in the Irish bar."

"That stole your wallet."

"And the hot one with the tongue stud the week before that."

"Which got caught up with your prince albert." I'd never heard a man scream like that before.

Xander winced. "Did you have to remind me about that? In fact, you keep that thing. I don't want it anymore."

"Not a chance. She's all yours."

Xander ignored my outstretched hand with his creepy stone woman in it and turned back to his monitors. "Hey, she's back."

On screen Steph walked into her cubicle with a popsicle in her hand. She sat down and started sucking it with an expression of bliss. Damn. I bet she was making those hot little noises.

Little Lester sat up and started begging. I leaned forward and watched her sucking her popsicle, stroking the little statue with my thumb. Not what I wanted to be stroking, but then we were on camera too somewhere. "Man, if there was a way to get into Bombshell's pants without Ranger killing me, I'd do it, I swear."

"Yeah, good luck with that one, man."

* * *

My first thought as I woke up was that I wish it were my day off. I could spend the morning lounging in bed, having a late breakfast, maybe see if I could get in touch with Chloe…Chloe Santos has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? God, our kids would be gorgeous. If Tank didn't rip my dick off first.

My next thought was that my bed felt way more comfortable than usual. The sheets were too soft to be mine and my pillow smelled like Dolce Vita. I attempted to turn on to my back but came into contact with another warm body. Interesting. I reached my hand back to stroke down the side of the woman behind me, and found satiny skin stretched over a narrow hip. I reached back further and caressed the tantalizing curve of the tightest, most deliciously round ass cheek I've ever encountered.

I felt soft, full lips sensually kissing and licking at the side of my neck. Silky black hair slid over my shoulder. Then a hand snaked around my waist and skimmed up my torso to cup my breast. Hold the fuck up. My breast? I looked down. Yup. I have breasts. A lovely pair, really. Maybe a large B or a small C. My nipples were the softest pink blush against my pale skin. The large mocha latte hand cupping me…Oh Christ. What the fuck? I'm Stephanie? This can't be happening. The erection prodding against my ass told me it was definitely happening. Shit. I used to pray every night for a chance to get inside Stephanie's body. Guess God is yucking it up now!

In an effort to get away from Ranger's, er, throbbing manhood, I began to inch my way toward the edge of the bed. He was having none of it. Strong arms pulled me into his warm body and he murmured in my ear, "I need to be inside you, cara. I need to feel your wetness surrounding my cock."

Oh Jesus. My brain was repulsed but Steph's body had other ideas. There was a dull ache that started between my…her…our legs and it spread outward making my…our body scoot back and wiggle up against his…I think I'm going to throw up.

His hand coasted down my stomach. A single finger traced through my…her curls and slowly started to skim forward and back along my…Oh shit. We were wet. Ranger's getting me wet. I watched in horror as my slim leg bent at the knee to give Ranger more room to play. I'm so confused!

Ranger hooked my scrawny leg over his upper thigh…damn his thighs were rock hard! And speaking of rock hard, Ranger was skimming his mammoth…thing across my Volvo…no, that's not right. Vulva! He was skimming his dick back and forth across my embarrassingly wet crotch…and it pains me to say this, but it felt phenomenal! Oh, Jesus! Look at my little hips go. They've got a mind of their own!

He slid an arm underneath me and reached around to cup my breast. He pinched my nipple and at the same time he bit down on my neck. Hurts so good! Then he drew his hips back and I felt the ginormous girth of his…don't make me say it! Oh, that is _so_ not going to fit. With his other hand he started toggling my little love button. Oooooh…very fast…almost felt like a vibration. I'm a big follower of the little circles technique, but the Bossman is onto something here! Holy cow, how did God get all those little nerve endings in that little nub! How do women find time to cook, clean, work, raise children with this little hot zone in easy reach? I'd play with myself all day!

Attempting to push in again, he met with resistance. I gotta be honest. It hurt…but my body wanted him in there anyway. I reached between my legs and grabbed for his tool, thinking I could help him. Just as my hand closed around his shaft, I realized that I was holding my boss' dick and trying to help him deflower me. I let go of his pole and clamped my thighs shut tight. I must have hurt Ranger's wonder wand because he let out a soft hiss.

In a tight voice he said, "Too sore after last night?"

I cleared my throat and whispered, "Yes," unsure of how my voice would sound. I had no need to worry. I sounded just how I imagined Steph would sound first thing in the morning. Her voice was a little raspy, and if I had my dick, I'm sure I'd be ready to pound nails with it right about now. Because of her voice, people, not because of Ranger's foreplay skills! _I think_.

I slid toward the edge of the bed and said, "I have to take a piss."

"Babe?"

"I mean pee. I have to pee."

Ranger sighed and rose from the bed as well. I made my way quickly through the bathroom to the enclosed toilet area and closed the door. Standing in front of the toilet, I blindly grabbed for my dick and came up with air. Dumfounded, I glanced down. Where my dick should be, all I saw was a tiny little thatch of curls. Curious, I lowered my hand between my legs and…wahhh. Steph is a naughty little vixen. Everything below the cute thatch was completely smooth and waxed. This would definitely put more clarity on my Stephanie fantasies. Damn she was soft…and dewy.

I would have played around down there but I really had to drain the main vein. I had no idea that when women had to pee, that they felt such an all encompassing cramping sensation in their pelvis. My back hurt a little too. I turned around, sat down and let go. Ahhhh. Reaching across for the toilet paper, I paused. Was it front to back or back to front? Why the fuck did it matter? I shrugged, wadded up some toilet paper and patted at Steph's crotch gingerly. Just as I was about to toss the paper into the bowl, I glanced down and saw a tinge of pink on it. What the fuck? What the hell did Ranger do to her last night?

Just then, I felt another cramp. You've got to be kidding me! I just narrowly escaped being penetrated by Ranger and now I'm getting my first period? I felt the inexplicable urge to cry.

There was a tapping on the door. "Do you mind?" I barked out.

"You've been in there a while, Babe. Everything okay?"

My stupid voice was thick with tears when I said, "I just got my period."

Silence from the other side of the door. Then, "We just started trying, Babe. I'm sure that many couples don't conceive the first month."

What? Were they…were we…

"Do you want me to grab a tampon for you?"

I squeaked out an affirmative sound. A moment later, Ranger let himself in and handed me the tampon. He was naked. I've seen his dick before, in the locker room and years ago when Ranger used to be more fun and occasionally shared chicks with me. But it was in my face. Okay, not right in my face, but it was close. Jesus. I knew it was big but where the hell does Stephanie put all that? It wasn't even hard anymore and it still made me want to whimper and cross my legs in fear.

Then he squatted in front of me and looked up into my face. I don't know what was wrong with me but the way he looked at me was so tender, my throat clogged shut and I felt a stupid tear roll down my face. Being a woman sucked!

Ranger brushed the tear from my cheek and held my face gently in his hands. Softly he said, "It will happen for us, Babe." He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to my forehead. It didn't feel gay. But what I said next sure did.

"I love you." Did I just say that? What the fuck? I was feeling all emotional and shit. It had to be Steph's stupid hormones. Who knew having tits and ass came at such a price?

He whispered, "I love you too, cara." Then he stood and left, closing the door softly behind him… cutting off the view of his amazing ass. I smacked my forehead. Focus, Santos!

I let out a huge sigh and examined the tampon. Still in its wrapper, it looked like a fruit roll-up. I tore the end open with my teeth and found a pink plastic contraption. One part was bigger and shaped like a long bullet. The other part was a narrow tube that fit into the larger end. There was a string hanging out the bottom. I held the larger end between my index and middle finger and pushed the plunger with my thumb. The tampon flew out; bounced softly off the wall and landed on the floor like a little parachute.

I leaned forward to pick it up. Is there a five second rule on misfired tampons? Examining it, I noticed it was not very streamlined for easy insertion. It looked like two cotton squares opening up like a flower. I tried to twist it closed and quickly shove it in, but my new coochie was having none of it. Quite frankly, I think I injured my beaver. Note to self: coochies are very delicate. Letting out a sigh, I decided that I was supposed to depress the plunger once the plastic thingy was inside. Who knew?

I cleared my throat and called out, "Carlos?" I heard the faucet shut off a moment before he came to the door. He frowned down at the mangled tampon I had suspended in front of me from the string. "It's defective. Would you get me another?"

He shook his head and walked away only to return with the entire box. He said, "Are you going to be much longer? I thought we could take a shower together before I go down to work."

What an insensitive asshole! I'm bleeding, I've probably fractured Steph's coochie and, and, AND I think I'm bloated! Affronted, I said primly, "I'm not having sex with you this morning." I waved the box of tampons in the air. "I'm using my free pass!"

Ranger smiled softly and said, "I can still give you an orgasm. It always helps with your cramps." Okay. We've officially stepped into the 'too much information' zone.

"Not today, Manoso."

I watched as he dropped his hand and began stroking his…oh Christ. He said, "Come into the shower with me, Babe. Dame chivos."

After snapping open the end of the tampon wrapper and removing the tampon, I stabbed it between my legs, depressed the plunger and yanked the plastic thingy out. Then I snarled at Ranger, "I'm not going to blow you! Is that all you ever think about?" Men suck! Well…this man doesn't, but you get what I'm saying.

Standing from the toilet, I tossed the bullet casing into the garbage, flushed and pushed my way around Ranger. His dick brushed against my naked hip as I went by. I shouted, "No guy touching," as I stomped out of the bathroom.

I needed to get out of here. Ranger had a wily heat-seeking missile looking for a target, and I for one refused to let him blast his payload on me. I suppressed a shudder and rifled through drawers looking for panties. Pink thong, leopard thong, lime green thong…didn't she have any boy shorts or hipsters? What happened to all the Rangeman panties? Yes, I know about them. I also know that Ella did not undertake that project on her own. Tank let it slip one night when he was deep in his cups that Ranger had them special ordered. They were cut extra low so that her ass crack peeked out in the back.

Sighing, I chose a simple black cotton thong, stepped into it and yanked up. Yowza! Who designed this shit? I reached back and pulled the thong out of my crack. When I let go, it just snapped back in. That's it; Steph's going commando today.

In another drawer I found Steph's favorite low-rise jeans. Stepping into them, I tugged them up and started to button them. The first two buttons closed easily, but the higher I got, the more I had to suck in my stomach. I felt the tears coming on again. I whimpered out, "I'm fat!"

From behind me, Ranger chuckled and said, "You're not even close to fat, cara. You're just a little bloated."

I turned and found him standing outside the bathroom door, a towel slung low on his hips. He smiled softly and said, "Just wear your fat jeans."

Oh no he di-int! "So, I _am_ fat!" Christ, I was such a girl!

His face fell and he said, "Not at all, Babe. _You_ call them your fat jeans."

Just then the phone rang and he turned to the nightstand to answer. I was getting the hell out of Dodge. I went to the bed and lay on my back and was somehow able to suck in and get the jeans fastened. Then I went into the closet, grabbed the first shirt I could find, shoved my tiny feet into sneakers and all but ran out of the apartment.

oOoOo

After knocking briskly on Xander's door, I looked down and realized that I had chosen a low cut, scoop-neck silky red shirt…and I had headlights. I forgot to put on a bra! I poked at my hard little nips with my index fingers, figuring if I pushed them in that they would relax. But noooooo. They liked the attention! Stupid nipples. Christ. Now I sound like Steph.

I cupped my breasts trying to warm them up, and that's exactly when Xander opened the door. His eyes went unerringly to my cupped breasts, a slow smile spread across his mug and he asked, "Need some help?"

What a whore! I'm a married woman, for God's sake! I dropped my hands from my breasts and shoved him out of my way. Walking over to the sofa, I flopped down, jumping up again when my jeans cut into my stomach. I released the top two buttons, let my belly out, and flopped on the sofa once again.

Xander still stood at the open door and stared at me with one pierced brow arched. He wasn't wearing a shirt. He had on Hugh Hefner lounge pants and they were tented.

I said, "Please tell me that boner is because you just woke up."

He closed the door, leaned back against it and leered at me. "Maybe. Maybe it's just for you."

Is he really this stupid? "Dude. Stephanie is VERY married to a man who could kill you seventeen different ways with a toothbrush."

Xander sat down _way_ too close to me and said, "I heard it was a fork. And why are you talking in the third person, sweetheart? Is this a new little sex game? Me Xander, you Stephanie? Want me to go all caveman on you?"

I swung out and slapped him in the forehead. It made my boobs jiggle. Xander noticed. He said, "You like inflicting pain? Ranger isn't in to that? We can play that way. There doesn't even have to be any actual sex involved. You can just come down here and slap me around, pinch me…flog me…and then you can go to Ranger to get your release. I had a similar arrangement with this woman-"

"Would you shut the fuck up, you deviant freak? I'm Lester! I'm trapped in Steph's body. You have to hide me!"

He smirked and said, "If that's what you need to tell yourself to get over your misplaced guilt-"

"You just tore your dick piercing yesterday because you went commando and it got caught on your fly. Your favorite sexual position is the wheelbarrow but reverse cowgirl comes in a close second because you like to see the booty jiggle. You lost your virginity to your babysitter when you were twelve and she let her boyfriend watch. Which explains a lot. Your middle name is Wendell and you changed your last name to Navarro because you worship Jane's Addiction." I sat back with a huff, then grabbed a throw pillow to cover my temporary menstrual muffin top.

Xander was silent a moment and studied me seriously. Then he said, "What's my safe word?"

Exasperated, I said, "That's a trick question. You have a safe sentence."

"Which is?"

Sigh. "Mecca lecca hi, mecca hiney ho. But it's too fuckin' long. You could lose a nut before you got all that shit out."

"It's classic Pee-wee Herman. Don't diss on the Pee-man. I gotta say, your potty mouth on Stephanie is kinda turning me on."

"So you believe me?"

"Yeah. Can I play with your tits?"

"No."

"Can I _see_ your tits?"

"No!"

"I bet _you've_ checked out the ta-tas."

"I woke up naked with Ranger's tool knocking on my back door!"

"So you think she lets him do anal?"

"Would you stop thinking with your little head for one freaking second and help me figure out how I can switch back?"

"The little head ain't that little, bro."

I slapped my hands up to my face and felt simultaneous urges to scream and cry.

Xander tugged my hands down and said softly, "Chill, man. Don't cry."

"I'm not crying!"

"Whatever. Look. When you went to bed last night, you were in your own body, right?"

"Yeah." I wiped at some stupid water on my face and shuddered out a sigh.

"Then it happened when you slept."

"You think this is just a dream?"

"Maybe. But I'm having my own thoughts right now so I doubt it. Why don't you go back to sleep and maybe when you wake up, everything will be normal again."

"I just woke up!"

"I'll get you some Nyquil. Go lay down in my room."

I wandered back to his room. The bed was in shambles. I grabbed the comforter from the floor and curled up in the middle of the bed. Xander came in with a dose cup of Nyquil and a glass of water. I took the medicine and guzzled half the glass of water. Then I lay down and pulled the covers over my head.

I felt the bed dip behind me, and then the comforter shifted…and Xander spooned me. "What the fuck are you doing?"

"Come on man! Just give me this. I swear I won't play with your tits!"

I sat up and climbed out of bed. "Look, if this switch thing happens while I sleep, either Stephanie will wake up in your bed and you'll have a homicidal Cuban on your ass, or I'll wake up as me in _my own_ body and in _your_ bed…and I think that's just going to push our gayness to a whole new level."

Xander saw reason and I decided to take my menstrual ass back up to the seventh floor. I sent Ranger a text telling him I was having a period from hell and that I was going back to bed. Then I scrounged through the medicine cabinet, found some Midol and took two. Something had to be done about the bloating.

I found a heating pad in the linen closet and tossed it on the bed. The action made my breasts jiggle, and I realized how sore they were. Maybe a bra would help. I found one of those cool half-cup bras in black. After stripping off my clothes, I picked up the bra and hooked my arms through the straps. Then I grabbed both ends and tried to clasp it behind my back. Impossible!

I took it back off and twisted it this way and that. Well duh! I just buckled it and stepped into it like a pair of pants. It didn't really want to go over my hips and ass…I think I heard a seam tear. I finally got it into place. What the fuck is digging into my ribs? I felt around the bottom edge of the bra. Are there wires in there? I walked over to the dresser and pulled out some of Ranger's dress socks. I rolled up one and shoved it under the wire. Much better! I did the same to the other side and looked at myself proudly in the mirror. Whoa, Nellie! I looked like Dolly Parton! Rifling through another drawer, I found a pair of black silk boxers.

Flopping on the bed, I lay the heating pad on my stomach, tucking the bottom half under the boxers. Bliss! Then I grabbed the remote and ordered some pay-per-view porn. One dude, four chicks. I needed to get in touch with my masculine side. It must have been the Nyquil/Midol cocktail, but I actually fell asleep during an amazing girl on girl on girl on girl scene.

When I woke up, I was in my own bed and someone was clearing their throat from the doorway. I looked up to see Ranger and Xander staring back at me…or rather, my body. Looking down, I saw that I was wearing one of Ranger's super expensive black t-shirts…and I could smell the Bulgari wafting from the fabric. And something was flossing my ass. I tossed the covers aside and saw that I was wearing what I assumed was Steph's lime green thong. My boy bits were hanging out in all directions. Why does this shit only happen to me?

Ranger said, "You're late coming off break."

Fuck. Did Stephanie have to go through what I just did _and_ have to work? And why did she dress my body in this get-up? More importantly, did Steph touch little Lester? Shwing!

"Sorry, man. I…uh, haven't been feeling myself today." And like an idiot, I adjusted my package, drawing Ranger's eyes down to the thong. He stepped forward menacingly.

"Explain!"

"I, uh…Steph gave them to me. I was too embarrassed to buy my own."

Xander offered helpfully, "He's the girl this week."

"And my shirt?" Ranger asked.

Fuck! "I've, uh, been having trouble sleeping. Steph says this does the trick every time."

Ranger's face was incredulous. "Why do you have my pillow?"

I looked behind me. Huh. Sure as shit wasn't my pillow. Too clean. I picked it up and sniffed it. More Bulgari.

"Why the fuck are you sniffing my pillow?"

"It smells good?"

Xander interjected, "You have a thing for Ranger! I knew it! After everything we've been through? That's it! Only chicks for me from now on. I'll leave your toothbrush and your cock ring on your desk." Xander turned to storm from the room. Ranger was still staring at me. Over Ranger's shoulder, I saw Xander standing at my open apartment door, smiling his little shit-head smile and giving me two thumbs up. Then he slammed the door shut for effect.

What a tool.

I ran my hand down my face and swung to sit on the edge of the bed. "I'll be back on the floor in five. Sorry, man." I couldn't really look Ranger in the eye. Seemed a little awkward, what with him humping me earlier. The fact that I'd held his dick in my hand this morning wasn't helping matters either.

Ranger cleared his throat and said, "You gonna be okay?"

Great. Now he thought I had a thing for him and he was letting me down easily. "I'm fine. I'm gonna take a quick shower and then I'll be down."

Ranger nodded and turned to leave. He paused at the door. Turning back, he said, "Back when Steph was dating Joe, I had a dream that I was Stephanie, and that Joe was making love to me. The thought repulses me, but in the dream, I was Steph…and I was really turned on. I was pretty confused for a couple of days…but I got over it."

"Yeah. Maybe it's something like that."

"So we're good?"

"Yeah, man."

Ranger left and I stumbled to the bathroom, yanking down the thong as I went. I grabbed hold of little Lester tenderly and said, "I missed you little buddy. Did Steph treat you okay?"

The thought of Steph treating my soldier in _any_ way made the little guy salute. "What a big boy you are!" I walked to the shower and turned it on. "I'm going to give you a special treat. But first we have to have a talk about coochies." Little Lester jerked at the word coochie, but I kept him well in hand so I could finish my lecture.

"Coochies are very delicate."

I decided that was enough of a lecture. Time for my…I mean his reward. I'd tell you all about it but my author thinks it would be tacky. Tacky? Does she read what she writes?


	5. Aftermath

**A/N: **This was co-written by me, (Magdalync) and Melody (Harmne) in response to my 'Natural Woman' chapter and Melody's one-shot 'Stephanie in LesterLand'. Hope this satisfies your curiosity! As always, thanks to Alf for being my loyal beta and friend. Melody and I would like to thank all of our fabulous reviewers … this chapter is dedicated to you!

**Aftermath**

The phone rang in the RangeMan Control room. Tank was busy so Brett picked it up, glancing at the caller ID.

"Hal! Hey, buddy, where are you? You're going to be late if you don't move it."

"Sick," croaked Hal's voice on the other end of the line. "Flu got me … throwing up."

"Oh, man! You need anything?"

"Ask Lester to cover my shift. Let Stephanie know--." His voice broke off into coughing, and Brett could barely hear him.

"Sure, no problem. I'll ask Les if he can cover your shift, and let Tank know you're sick."

"Gotta—*ulk*" and then the line went dead.

Brett shrugged and hung up, then called Lester. Lester sounded a little bummed, as he'd hoped to go out tonight for the first time since _he'd_ been sick, but he understood. Hal had put in extra hours when he and other guys were sick. Brett just hoped this particular bug only went around once – it had been a pain.

Assured Lester would be on deck in a few minutes, Brett hung up and went to find Tank and let him know about the schedule change.

He forgot all about telling Steph.

*****

Stephanie buckled her belt and headed to the bathroom to pull her hair back into a ponytail, out of the way. Then she stepped back and looked at herself.

Her cargo pants were a little loose in the waist, but the belt took care of that. She'd persuaded Ella to get her some longer shirts, and she had this one tucked in neatly. Her new boots were much easier to run in, and not nearly as heavy as her old ones. All in all she looked pretty good – more like an employee that knew what they were doing and a little less like RangeMan Barbie.

Not that Ranger had minded the Barbie look, but now that they were married she tried hard not to look unprofessional when she was wearing RangeMan's uniform. Her lips quirked. Of course, when she was in regular clothes all bets were off!

She picked up her utility belt and stuffed her small wallet and phone in her pockets before heading for the door. She was glad to help out, and immensely grateful that so far she'd managed to escape the flu bug going around, but she'd be glad when everyone was back to one hundred percent. At least by the time she got home Ranger would be back from Boston. She'd missed him last night.

Everything was fine and she was feeling pretty good until she walked into Tank's office and found not Hal, but Lester waiting for her.

Well, crap!

*****

Staring out into the darkness, Lester hunched down into the driver's seat a bit and drummed his thumbs on the steering wheel. He started to speak, then stopped. Then he took another breath and said, "So, uh, you guys pulled the goalie?"

He didn't turn to look at Steph but he could tell she was staring at him. Glancing quickly at her, he saw that she was frowning at him in confusion. Facing forward, he tried again. "You and Ranger."

She still didn't say anything. Scrubbing a hand down his face, he blurted, "You're trying to get knocked up? Shit. I didn't mean it to come out that way. I just-"

"You know about that?"

He glanced over at Steph and saw that she was looking at him with vulnerability in her eyes. And for just a second he remembered the way Ranger looked at him in the bathroom, the way he kissed Steph's forehead. Clearing his throat, he looked out the windshield and said, "I ... I mean you got your period and I guess I freaked a little." He smiled to himself a moment. "And between my freaking out about being in your body, trying to avoid your husband's sexual advances, and coming to grips with your hormones, I just blurted out that I'd gotten my period. Ranger said something about how you guys just started trying and ...That guy loves you a lot, Steph."

"Yeah, I know," Steph said softly, her small smile a little shaky around the edges. "Um, Les… Did he … did he sound disappointed?"

Shifting a little in his seat, Lester said, "You know Ranger. Even if he was disappointed, he didn't want you to focus on that. He was very ... shit." He pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes and muttered, "I told him I loved him."

Steph turned towards him, her eyes wide. "You did? Oh, Lester, that's so sweet!" She smiled at him for a moment longer, then she finally seemed to notice his discomfort. "Ah … I guess discovering you got your period was a little strange for you, huh?"

Lester chuckled. "You could say that." The right side of his mouth kicked up a fraction. "But now I know you're a naughty little vixen."

She was suddenly grateful for the darkness because she was pretty sure her face was flaming. "W-what do you mean?"

"You're waxed smooth as a baby's bottom, Bombshell." He made tsking noises and said, "You've been a bad, bad girl. Fiona Apple's got nothin' on you!"

"You **touched** me?" she said indignantly, then remembered he hadn't exactly had a choice. "Well, buddy, you don't have room to talk. You've done a little man-scaping yourself. People that live in glass houses…"

Lester gave up all pretense of watching the house and swiveled in his seat. He raised one eyebrow and said, "Damn right I manscape. So you took a tour of the property, did you? Doesn't bother me a bit. In fact, it kind of turns me on. But you know about being turned on don't you? Once Ranger pays the least amount of attention to your little 'on' button, you're like a cat in heat! A simmering volcano ... a geyser about to-"

"You should talk! EVERYTHING gets your thingy all excited! Water, vibrating cell phones—" She broke off, her eyes going huge as a thought struck her. How would he know…? "Wait a minute! Did you-- Oh my god! Did you have sex with my husband?!"

"No! Not for lack of trying on his part. That man's a menace!" Lester shifted back to face front again and gripped the wheel. "He had his hands all over me, rubbing my… He rounded third," his voice dropped slightly, "and started sliding into home…but I stopped him. I swear!"

"What do you mean 'started sliding into home'?"

Lester slapped his hands to his face and kept them there. "He's _really_ good with his hands, Steph. I knew it was wrong … but it was like my loins – or your coochie – was on fire and there was this ache-"

"I know all about the ache, Lester. No need to go on. So how did you resist?"

"It – um – hurt."

"He didn't try the 'I swear I was aiming for the other hole' line, did he?"

Lester dropped his hands in shock. "Jesus, no! He didn't try _that,_ thank Christ. He was in the, uh, usual place… but – it, ah, hurt. You're so small…"

"I think I'm normal. It's that we, um, _played_ a lot that night. And anyway, he's kinda huge."

"Oh, come on! He's no bigger than me."

"Lester. I've had 'hands-on' experience with your thingy. You are more than adequately endowed … but Ranger's penis is magnificently huge."

"What do you mean by 'hands-on experience'?"

Stephanie blushed and stammered as she back-peddled. "Er, uh … I had to pee."

"The only way you could compare is erect."

"Morning wood?"

"I know my morning wood. I have to sit down to pee. It goes down to half-staff after that, but when I get into the shower-" He broke off and smiled evilly at Steph. "You waxed my pole! Spanked my monkey! Cleaned my pipes!" He chortled, shifted in his seat uncomfortably and adjusted himself. "I can die a happy man now. Jesus, I'm getting hard just thinking about it."

Just then, Stephanie's cell phone rang the Batman theme. She scowled at Lester before answering the call.

"Hey, sweetheart! Are you home? I missed you last night."

Ranger said nothing, but she could hear him taking slow, deep breaths and she could swear that she could smell the testosterone emanating from the phone.

"Are you okay? What's wrong? Did somebody piss in your wheat-germ this morning?"

"Don't push me, Babe." His growl fairly throbbed with anger.

"Are you mad at me?"

"Yes," he bit off succinctly.

"Are you going to elaborate?"

"Pole."

"Uh-huh. I'm going to need a little more than that, sweetie."

"Spanked." This time he pronounced the word with exaggerated care.

Stephanie turned in her seat away from Lester and whispered, "I just didn't want to do the naughty school girl thing all the time. I told you, it's best saved for special occasions."

"Pipes." He was back to pissed-off growling.

Steph pulled the phone away from her ear and frowned at it. What was his problem? Suddenly, the pieces started clicking. Oh, shit!! "Um … are you monitoring the car?"

"Yes."

"The whole time?"

"No."

"I thought Xander was monitoring surveillance tonight."

"Seems Xander needed a break. Just not your lucky day, is it Babe?"

"It's not what you think! I know you think you know what you thought you understood, but what you heard was not what we were talking about! I think …or what you think you heard wasn't-"

"Put Santos on the phone."

"Absolutely not."

Ranger cut loose with a tirade of Spanish. She had no idea what he was saying, but it went on and on and it sounded deadly fierce. If the situation wasn't so seriously screwed up she'd be more than a little turned on. Lester was squirming in his seat trying to eavesdrop so Stephanie hit the speakerphone button.

Listening to Ranger's blistering spiel, Lester's eyes grew wide and he said, "Hey, hey, hey! There's a lady present! And you're going off half-cocked." Too late, he realized that was a very poor choice of words. Ranger resumed his rant.

Stephanie yelled, "Ricardo Carlos Manoso, you listen to me right now!"

The tirade cut off abruptly. Silence rang through the car.

Stephanie cleared her throat and said, "Remember Diesel?"

Bitterly, Ranger said, "Why, did you wax his pole too?"

"How dare—I'm going to pretend you didn't say that!"

Ranger was silent a moment. With remorse in his voice he said, "I'm sorry. You just… I'm just… shit. What about Diesel?"

"You understand that there are things that happen that can't be explained?"

He grunted in response.

"I…"

Lester cut in. "What Steph's trying to say is that four days ago I woke up inside Stephanie's body."

Ranger roared through the phone at the same time Stephanie smacked Lester upside the head.

"Honey … listen to me! Listen! I woke up in Lester's body and he woke up in mine. I have no idea what happened, but we somehow switched bodies."

"Steph, how stupid do you think I am?"

Lester said, "Do you really think we'd make up this shit? I know it's hard to believe, but I can tell you everything that happened that morning. I woke up with your dick knocking like an Avon lady on my back door. You were in the mood to _get busy_. We made out … no mouth kissing, thank Christ, and then you stopped because I said I was too sore. Then I got my period. Then you tried to get me in the shower with you and asked me to suck your-"

"Babe! Do you tell him everything?"

"I didn't tell him _**anything**_! It's the truth! Did you see Lester that morning?"

"Xander and I went to his apartment because he overslept his break."

"Was he curled up with your pillowcase on his pillow wearing one of your shirts and a lime green thong?"

There was a ringing moment of silence. "Maybe."

"Do you _really_ think he'd admit that to me?"

Ranger mulled that over for a few minutes. Then he made a gagging noise and said, "He touched my dick."

Stephanie's head jerked around and she stared at Lester wide-eyed.

"Dude … it seemed like the thing to do at the time! As soon as I realized-"

"I'm hanging up now."

Stephanie said, "Are we okay?"

Ranger sighed. "Yes."

"Are you sure?"

"Babe, I need to watch some porn or something. Do some deprogramming. Bleach my brain."

Lester snickered at that and Stephanie gave him a backhand to the chest.

"But it was **my** body! You didn't do anything gay. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay. Some of my best friends are gay!"

"Babe."

"What?"

He disconnected.

Stephanie turned to Lester and said, "Well, I think he took that rather well, considering."


End file.
